I have learned in the past 3 weeks, 3 huge things about myself and my time in Moldova:
1) I thought I came to the Peace Corps with very few expectations. But in just the 3 weeks that I have been in Moldova as a trainee, I have come to realize that I had many expectations. I guess its something in grained into me… even if I didn’t give it a thought.
2) My whole life I have always done what people expect of me, and now for some reason I am fighting it, even if I don’t understand why or have no reason to fight.
3) I have been craving silence and alone time – which has not come and may not come for a while. I don’t know what my breaking point is, or how to recognize it anymore because I seem to have a moment, almost every day, when I feel that I have had enough.
So I am challenged to accept what is ahead of me and my service and to be creative about seeking out opportunities to create or find what I am looking for in Moldova. Not sure how this is going to happen, but I wake up each day only focusing on that day. It has seemed to help.
partly I am fighting who I am and how people think of me – if any time was good for doing that, I figure this is the time. I am not sure why I have always done whats expected, but now I am at war with learning the balance between whats expected and what is best for me. I know I will find it – I hope sooner then later
Silence – I miss it. Every night I hear tons of dogs in the distance, having some short of conversation or contest. And every day I wake up to roosters and I am with people literally all day. The idea of being alone is foreign here. I am vulnerable – raw almost and find that I am at the point of a break down all the time. But I know from my past that this is the first part of being open to change, growth and learning.
All in all – I am still in love with being here and being a volunteer. Its not what I expected, but I am becoming okay with that. And I am finding ways to plug in the things I enjoy into my work. Change is never easy – and its a good reminder for me next time I ask someone to change – how difficult it really is. I treasure the moments that make me smile – like when I learned how to make jam, when one of my fellow trainees made me laugh so hard I snorted, or when my host family actually understand my broken romanian.